Is the Government Watching You? (A questionnaire)

Here are 15 questions to determine whether you’re being surveilled by the Illuminati sympathizing, new world order wishing, shapeshifting lizard-loving, elite-serving administration.

Count the number of times your personal liberties align with the privacy-intruding statements below, and discover your current level of threat to the global cabal.

  1. I got this new documentary sent to me on the Whatsapp. It’s called Plandemic. Pretty clever name. You see, they take the words ‘plan’ and ‘pandemic’…
  2. You’ve regained consciousness to find yourself citing Joe Rogan as an evidential source in a bar argument.
  3. You hear a click when you make a call on a landline. Yes. Sure I do. What. So you’re telling me that liberals don’t have landlines anymore?
  4. The thing is, you can’t prove that it’s not, not caused by fossil fuels, can you?
  5. At some point in your past, you’ve tutted and murmured to yourself, ‘Well, may as well start using the postal service again.’
  6. You’re good at detecting glitches in the matrix/disturbances in The Force. A flicker of your screen, a rustle in the bushes on a still morning, a missed call from an unknown number. The funny look that lady collecting for charity gave you at the gas station last Wednesday.
  7. Take us to Mars, Elon! U. S. A! And also, don’t touch those beers, I got them for the launch.
  8. See, what these people don’t realize about the rear-naked chokehold is… — Ok no, thank you. Please stop talking.
  9. You’ve decided that today’s the day for showcasing your new look: camo shirt with camo pants, with camo fleece, with camo cap. But not camo socks, that’s just silly.
  10. Alex Jones liked your post. Now 450 intense new followers are sending you DMs and you don’t really know what to do.
  11. You’re at the grocery store checkout. A pensioner leans down to ask your child’s name. You place a pumped-up arm between the two and announce that your daughter is under no legal nor moral requirement to reveal her identity due to her inalienable rights guaranteed by the covenant known as the Constitution for the United States of America. This is correct behavior.
  12. You’ve bought a gun and it made you feel safe for three days. Now you’re wondering if you should have bought that bigger gun instead.
  13. You’ve been noticing the number 13 a lot recently. Like, a lot more than a normal amount, and — wait a minute.
  14. You hate the president as much as you love him, and it’s tearing you up inside.
  15. You’re reading this. Got you! This whole article is a bait piece designed to capture potential dissenters. We’ve recorded your IP address and will be following up shortly. Sincerely, The Masonic Order.


DelanceyThrone, Reddit

12–15 yessirs.

Haven’t the sheeple heard about the Wuhan labs and the Chinese (CHI-na) plot to take away our rights? At least I believe you. It’s ok. I promise. Well, actually it’s not ok because you spent last night loading up your search algorithms with borderline treasonous queries and now they’re watching. You fool! Why didn’t you reroute your search through a pirate browser on a VPN from an RV in a dead zone? Really, you only have yourself to blame, JOHN FROM CONNECTICUT.

8–11 yessirs.

Want to see something spooky? Open up your browser history. Now look at this list:

  • Chief physician says vaccinations cause the autisms? — Google search;
  • Kenya birth records — Liked Tweet;
  • PizzaGate — Google search;
  • If it’s round, then where’s the curvature? — Google search;
  • RE:There never was a Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 in the first place — Gmail | Inbox;
  •; FWD: I’ve got the documents, man! — Gmail | Inbox.

…Scary, huh?

4–7 yessirs.

Sure, the feds might have given you the once over. But the truth is, you’re just a wannabe prepper, and you know it. Those freeze-dried beans will only get you so far, my friend.

Less than 3.

Go vote, commie shill…




Freelance writer from Vancouver, Canada. Posting odds and ends that never made it to print.

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Joe Hitchcock

Joe Hitchcock

Freelance writer from Vancouver, Canada. Posting odds and ends that never made it to print.

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